It all started about 20 or so years ago on May 12, 1993. I was born a healthy and happy baby to two parents in New Haven, Connecticut. No Eminem. A few years later we moved to South Carolina where I started kindergarten, had a stint in grade school like everyone else, moved into middle and then high school. In May 2011, I graduated with a high school diploma. Still no Eminem. I went to college. I drank a lot, studied sometimes and made friends! No Eminem! Moved to New York in 2015, still no crazy white man! I’ve lived for mad long without it. Just don’t need. What realm of hell? No thank you. Do not ask me again.
Last night there were men among you who attempted to fool me into listening to him on the BET Hip Hop Honors cypher but too bad I don’t even have cable because I am a cord cutting millennial!!
I will never listen to Eminem. I see how it has aged those of you who do and NO THANKS!!! You’re probably thinking to yourself, “Well what you gonna do if you’re in my car and I play Eminem?! I'm not turning it off!!” in that ugly little voice of yours. Let me tell you something.
Reader, I will have you know that I would sooner throw myself from the passenger side window of your Kia Soul (because this is the only vehicular reference I can conjure up for people who listen to Eminem) on some wayward highway, rumored to be plagued by aggressive wolves and mischievous raccoons, before I am forced into the auditory slavery that is being forced to listen to Eminem. I will die for this shit.
On a daily basis, I manage to wake up, work, write, eat, sleep, socialize, tweet, truly all kinds of interesting things. Eminem is like a customer service representative gone postal and I do not need it. Not on these headphones and not in this economy. Nope. Just living my life like it's golden. I feel great! Really!
"But he's a genius! The way he uses literary devices is like never seen before!" HMM. Yes! I am sure it is, Raheem. But:
One of my favorite conversations since moving to the northeast has been hip-hop heads telling me I can’t be taken seriously as a music critic without being familiar with Eminem’s work. "Get off my lawn!!", they yell. This is a fair argument. Music critics should listen to everything because informed points of view are developed by access to all kinds of musical references. That is why I have decided that moving forward I am a food blogger. Or maybe I can edit the weekly paper at a retirement home? Perhaps someone will pay me to develop questions for Six Brown Chicks? Draft up the weekly menu for the downstairs cafeteria at your place of employment? I will write about anything that doesn’t require me to listen to Eminem. Please. I enjoy my sleep. I enjoy being happy.
OMG guys please this nigga is terrifying no thank you. The closest I have come to listening to Eminem was watching Saw? I think? That’s not him? Oh and Rihanna almost got me once on that "Love the Way You Lie" track from her Loud album but even RIH knew that she needed to give me an alternative version of the song because KNOW ME OK!
Anyway, there are a number of things that I will do before seriously listening to Eminem and if he thought him saying “fuck Donald Trump” at the tender age of 64 (?) would change my mind last night then HA! Go away, Eminem!!! I have a one white rapper per 5 years quota and unfortunately Mac Miller has filled this position without inspiring me to pick up the phone and berate my mother. For those of you that consider this racist, I will also have you know that yes I am!! I am the reverse racist of your dreams!!! 😍
To end my very convincing argument, a poem:
I will not listen in a box,
I will not listen with a fox,
I will not listen to scary tunes,
Stop asking me you silly buffoon
I will not listen over there
I will not listen in underwear
No Eminem for me no, no, no
No Eminem you silly ho